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Discussion in 'Jokes And Campfire Stories / Songs' started by vagov, Mar 14, 2014.
why cant you borrow money from a leprechachaun? - because they are always a little short!
how do you blind a Irish women? - put a bottle of scotch in front of her
what do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone? - a sham rock!
what is the difference between a Irish wedding and a Irish funeral? - one less drunk!
Why does irish bean soup only contain 239 beans? Because you wouldn't want it to be 240(pronounced with Irish accent )
I Irish priest got pulled over for running a redlight. When the officer ask him " have you anything to drink today" the preist replied. "Just some water." Then the officer ask " how do you explain thay empty wine bottle on the floor then". The preist then replied. "The good lord must have done it again!
hehe thanks for the giggle!
Okanagan, BC family with 2011 Flagstaff Classic 425D
What's Irish and stays out all winter? Paddy O'Furniture (Patio Furniture).
one day three paddys walked into a bar, a paddy Irishman, a paddy Englishman, and a paddy Scotsman. after all three ordered a pint of Guinness, just as they were going to drink it, three flies flew in each landing in their pints getting stuck in the thick heads. paddy Englishman pushed his beer away in disqust. paddy Scotsman fished the fly out as if nothing happened, Paddy Irishman too also picked out the fly,held it above the beer and start yelling "AW YOU BLOODY THEIF! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"
a Englishman , a Irishman, and a scotsman. were all enjoying a guiness together, when the englishman said " my wife is so thick, she went out and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale , and we dont even have a freezer to keep it in!" the scotsman then replied "aw thats aint bad, my wife went out and spent $17,000 on a new car, and she dont even know how to drive!" the Irishman then replied " aaawwww, you blokes are lucky,it makes me chuckle everyime ioi think of it, my wife went on a holiday to Greece, oy watched her pack heir bag,and she musta pust a 100 condoms in there, and she dont even have a penis!"
the docor was puzzled and said " i,m sorry but i cant diagnose your trouble, it must be the drink.:" then o,leary replied, " that,s alright i,ll come back when your sober!"
Two old Irishmen were talking at the pub and one says to the other "When i die on each anniversary I want you to pour a bottle of irish whiskey on me grave".
The other says " do ye mind if it passes through me kidneys first?"
Jerry in MA
why are there no irish lawyers? because none of them can pass a bar.
OK OK OK All you Irish haters...heres some scottish jokes!
How was the Grand Canyon formed? A scotsman dropped a penny down a gopher hole.
How was copper wire discovered? Two Scotsmen found the same penny.
Whats the difference between A scotsman and the Rolling Stones? The Stones sang "Hey you get off of my cloud" and the Scot says" Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe".
Ha! As someone who is more Scots than anything else (a wee bit Irish, but the rest mostly English/German), I loved these!
Two irishmen sitting in a bar watching a brothel across the street. A Protestant minister entered the brothel and one irishman said to the other "so sad to see a man of the cloth fall so far". Minutes later a rabbi enters the brothel. The irishman says"Even the Jewish clergy can't resist the temptation". Moments later a Catholic priest enters the brothel. The irishman says "So sad one of the girls must be dying".
-- Ya know, they say the Irish gave the bagpipes to Scotland but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
-- Did'ja ever wonder why the Scots fight so much among themselves? It's 'cause they're always guaranteed a worthy opponent.
Definition of a true gentleman: A man who can play the pipes........ but doesn't.